There are gonna be those days...

Yesterday was one of those days. The kind of day that makes you wonder what the hell you're doing. The kind of day that rears back at you and says, "Are you kidding me? You think you're gonna do what?" The kind of day that says, "Who do you think you are? You're no match for me."

This life is filled with peaks and valleys. I know when I'm on a peak that the valley will soon follow. In my "learning to ski" days, I took it that a difficult day on the slopes translated to a better day the next time. I was learning, growing, becoming a better skier. Yesterday hit hard. I've been practicing eucharisteo and truly sensing God's remarkable gift of joy. I woke up in the middle of the night (a sure sign that God is moving) and made my way down to the couch after thrashing about for an hour and a half. I opened my Bible and read: "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you." Psalm 84:11-12

It was like water for my soul. Blessed is the man who trusts in You! Amazing. In this daily walk of not knowing the future, of not having any idea of where we are going to be in 2 months, 6 months, a year, God is telling me that I will be blessed in my trust of Him. Until I was thrust into this unknown space, did I really, really need to trust Him? Yes, but not to this degree.

I am studying a book with some friends called Scouting the Divine by Margaret Feinberg. A delightful read and description of finding God in various places in scripture. The first chapter is about a shepherdess and applying scripture to understanding sheep more clearly. She describes why shepherds are required because sheep are defenseless and frankly bent on their own self-destruction.

I had a revelation this morning about how I hear God. How do I know God's voice. Well, if God is the perfect shepherd and I am His sheep, how would He talk to me? Would He offer condescending tones telling me all the "shoulds" and "have-tos" or would He be loving and perfectly good? The source of comfort, a place of rest, perfectly leading, showing me the places I have to graze and be my sheepy self. He would not take me to harm or drought or sand...but to lush fields, available for me to fill my belly and rest mind and body, knowing that all I have to do is rest because he's got it all covered, perfectly controlled. I want to practice listening for my perfect shepherd's call. To hear this voice it requires patient listening, tender moments of offering thanksgiving, ears attuned and soul quieted. This is who I want to be. This is who I NEED to be. I have been brought to my knees...I have no choice.