Safety

In my quest to live a more peace filled life, I find that everything seems against me. Don't get me wrong...on the outside I appear very controlled, but inside I'm always looking for something. Is that a product of my culture or just plain human wiring? I want drama, I want news, I want change, I want to spend money, I want food, I want goals, I want to decorate, I want...something. I know it's a space that only God can fill and I bring it to him constantly, but I can't help but wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle.

What if this emptiness is God given? What if that longing is him reaching out to me in the depths of my soul inviting me on an even bigger adventure? Maybe I am attributing the "emptiness" to the wrong things. I have been blaming myself all along for my inability to be content. Maybe I'm not called to content. Maybe the trick is figuring out what is driving the discontent.

I start each day surrendering, seeking and thanking God for his wonderful work and provision. I still think, though, that he is in a neat, tidy little box of my making. Maybe the longing in me is to be reckless...throw care and caution to the wind and step out in faith. I have so many voices that pull me back into "sensible" living...asking questions like, "What would that say to your children?" or "How do you explain that to your husband/friends/parents/siblings, etc?"

I don't want to go crazy...I do have a good head on my shoulders...usually. But I just can't help but wonder that maybe I've been living a little too safely.