It has been awhile. I have been living with some things lately that just don't seem right bubbling to the surface in the form of a blog post. I will chat about them on a run or consider them in deeper conversation, but it's still kind of a private, close-to-the-heart sort of time yet. It will happen eventually, but, uncharacteristically I am erring on the private side of things.
The past week or so has been a ride. I'm kind of in a state of slinky. You know the traffic you get stuck in where you can go from 5 mph to 60 and back down to 5 again. When I'm the passenger in the car, I tend to activate my "fake brake" foot a lot. I'll tend to the kids, then turn around and yelp because there's a car approaching quickly. Eric always has things under control, but I don't dare take my foot off the brake. The end of the school year is like that. Last week I can't even believe I uttered the word "bored" to somebody at school pick up. What in the world was I thinking? When you say it, it gives it power and goes away! Now, I would settle for some "bored". The calendar has filled up overnight and Eric and I seem to be giving a lot of high fives at the door as we run from one thing to the next. It's all good stuff, just busy. Now is the time that prepares me for the the laziness, the schedulelessness of summer. I think I will welcome it this year.
Today I have been afraid. I typically don't succumb to fear...I do trust...I am grateful...I know God is in control and he has his perfect timing. I generally live in a state of peace. Today, however, has brought me to my proverbial knees. I am scared. Who qualified me to be a parent? Why didn't somebody stop me and say, "You will love these little people so much, it's just not worth it." Please, I'm not going to go do anything drastic...I have just never felt such love and vulnerability. I can totally see now why the response may be to homeschool, cut off all communication from the outside world, only eat at Chick fil a, listen only to Christian music, no television, only "G" rated movies, no cell phones, ipods, email, Facebook, no swimming with members of the opposite sex. Do you see where I'm going? I feel paralyzed today, like there is no good in the world. Forget being a light, let's just worry about our own.
But John says, "Perfect love drives out fear...". Isn't God enough even when my open heart feels so naked, like somebody could just come by and slash it to pieces? Why do I fear being defined by what my kids do or don't do? What makes me me? Maybe the fear isn't so much in the harm that can come to my kids, but what it will do to me. I know, believe me, that God can and will use ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to accomplish his purposes. At some point, surrender will have to be my response with these guys. I will not be Mommy for much longer...what then? Who's going to make sure my boys don't look at porn online? Who's going to protect my daughter and make sure she dresses appropriately? Who's going to keep them out of someone's bed? Who's going to sniff them when they come home to make sure there's not unfamiliar substances hanging out on their clothes, hair and breath? I will not be there! It cannot be my job. I can do what I can do now, but what about then? God has to be enough. He is the only answer!! Believe me...I am going to fight tooth and nail for their purity, choices and protection while I can. There is so much for us to do as parents now. But ultimately it will be out of my hands.
These days are tough. I am not alone in this and I pray for parents who are trying their hardest to raise responsible, God fearing, healthy kids in a tough age. Is it tougher than it's always been? I don't know, different challenges to be sure. My job is to be faithful, gracious and quick to say I'm sorry, because I will blow it, too.
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