I don't know what my problem has been lately...maybe I've been coasting or resting my brain. Who knows. I have had the typical ups and downs, but very peaceful and joy-filled for the most part.
The last couple of days have brought back to mind the real struggle it is to live in grace. My book study has been about God's pruning and how his perfect cuts reveal better fruit. I get that, but I think my interest lies in what does fruit look like? Just as certain seasons produce certain fruits in agriculture, I think that's what it looks like in my own spiritual walk. I have a real problem with comparisons: comparing my family to other families - how do we measure up, better or worse - moms, women, athletes, Christians, neighbors, etc. The list goes on....and on.
I guess the question lies in where do I gain my approval. Is my approval from the people around me? My children? Does my approval from whomever relate to the abundance of fruit, regardless of quality? I read this quote in "My Utmost for His Highest" this morning:
"It is arduous work to keep the master ambition in front. It means holding oneself to the high ideal year in and year out, not being ambitious to win souls or to establish churches or to have revivals, but being ambitious only to 'please him'. It is not lack of spiritual experience that leads us to failure, but lack of labouring to keep the ideal right. Once a week at least take stock before God and see whether you are keeping your life up to the standard He wishes. Paul is like a musician who does not heed the approval of an audience if he can catch the look of approval from His master". - Chambers
I had the delight last night to watch my daughter at gymnastics. There is something amazing and rewarding for parents when a child FINALLY finds something they enjoy and do it with all their might and determination. That's my girl. She loves gymnastics and is happiest when she's cartwheeing, handstanding, and front-walkovering. I observed her from an elevated small room with bench seats for parents to sit and pass the time. It is enclosed with glass so parents can see out and kids see in. I entered this space late into the class but once she knew I was present, she often would "check in" visually. Typically, after doing something that was difficult. I think about this in regards to the quote above. My daughter's movements were not perfect, but since I knew she was working, doing her best, my heart swelled with pride and in those brief exchanged glances I was able to smile and give her a thumbs-up. On the other hand...if she was down there messing around, laying on the floor, being disrespectful and wasting my money, we'd have to have a sit down discussion. She probably wouldn't be looking up at me for approval, instead she would keep her head down and possibly continue her misbehavior.
Is this what it's like with God? If he is to be our Source of all, our Approval, then doesn't he look at us and esteem us with pride and grace as we in our utter humanness, try and maybe fail. Our motives and actions may not be perfect but are they pure? Are we determined to please him in our efforts and be humble in the process? I can look at others' fruit and think I am unworthy of God's approval..where does this come from? Certainly, not Him. The fruit this season is not so much about production, but getting the Source of the fruit in the right spot...examining heart, mind, motives. Yes, I can always do better, but at this point I want to please him with my gaze not my busyness.
