Yesterday was one of those days. The kind of day that makes you wonder what the hell you're doing. The kind of day that rears back at you and says, "Are you kidding me? You think you're gonna do what?" The kind of day that says, "Who do you think you are? You're no match for me."
This life is filled with peaks and valleys. I know when I'm on a peak that the valley will soon follow. In my "learning to ski" days, I took it that a difficult day on the slopes translated to a better day the next time. I was learning, growing, becoming a better skier. Yesterday hit hard. I've been practicing eucharisteo and truly sensing God's remarkable gift of joy. I woke up in the middle of the night (a sure sign that God is moving) and made my way down to the couch after thrashing about for an hour and a half. I opened my Bible and read: "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you." Psalm 84:11-12
It was like water for my soul. Blessed is the man who trusts in You! Amazing. In this daily walk of not knowing the future, of not having any idea of where we are going to be in 2 months, 6 months, a year, God is telling me that I will be blessed in my trust of Him. Until I was thrust into this unknown space, did I really, really need to trust Him? Yes, but not to this degree.
I am studying a book with some friends called Scouting the Divine by Margaret Feinberg. A delightful read and description of finding God in various places in scripture. The first chapter is about a shepherdess and applying scripture to understanding sheep more clearly. She describes why shepherds are required because sheep are defenseless and frankly bent on their own self-destruction.
I had a revelation this morning about how I hear God. How do I know God's voice. Well, if God is the perfect shepherd and I am His sheep, how would He talk to me? Would He offer condescending tones telling me all the "shoulds" and "have-tos" or would He be loving and perfectly good? The source of comfort, a place of rest, perfectly leading, showing me the places I have to graze and be my sheepy self. He would not take me to harm or drought or sand...but to lush fields, available for me to fill my belly and rest mind and body, knowing that all I have to do is rest because he's got it all covered, perfectly controlled. I want to practice listening for my perfect shepherd's call. To hear this voice it requires patient listening, tender moments of offering thanksgiving, ears attuned and soul quieted. This is who I want to be. This is who I NEED to be. I have been brought to my knees...I have no choice.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I am a changed girl!
Maybe this title should be in all caps...I AM A CHANGED GIRL!!! Can I just say that words will not do justice to what God has worked in me this week?
After my run on Monday, I felt like it was time to lay a few things down. I needed to learn to rest in Him, his goodness, grace and love. Little did I know that I would pick up a book (or order it on my iPad) that would change my life. It is called One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp.
God's timing is incredibly perfect. If I had picked up this book at any other time, I would have shirked it and said, "Uh, maybe later." But in this moment I was hungry. I needed something. Our life as a family is in desperate flux. We are shifting, changing, moving in a new direction. For this person who loves variety...it is still scary.
Ann's main thrust of the book is practicing "Eucharisteo"(and I'm afraid my definition might be way off, but I'll give it my best shot). Eucharisteo is the practice of giving thanks always. She challenged herself to write down 1000 reasons she has to be grateful. I can tell you, in doing that, as I've placed myself under the same goal, I am living wide open...my eyes, my heart, my mind. Here are a few of my entries:
Peace is the midst of uncertainty.
Fresh, warm clothes out of the dryer
An uninterrupted night of rest
Singing children
The smell of baking bread
Oh my goodness. When I go through a typical day with my mind focused on gratitude, even on little tiny things, it is indescribable how God works and moves in my heart to bring joy. This is what eucharisteo is, thanksgiving in grace producing joy. Incredible! So many things are making sense to me now.
On Tuesday, when I first started my Gratitude journal, I had to make a few phone calls, canceling services such as housecleaning and coaching. Within twenty minutes I received a call regarding a biopsy I just had done on my upper lip. What I was expecting to be nothing, turned into squamous cell carcinoma. Cancer? Me? I can honestly say I wasn't rattled in the least. Giving thanks in all things allows for trust in God beyond explanation. I am honestly walking fully trusting him not just in my diagnosis, but in all the life shifts we are enduring. I do not know where we'll be in a month or two, but I do know that I am held by the God of the Universe.
I have always been grateful, at least in my adult life. I have not taken God's blessings for granted. But now I can see Him in EVERYTHING. Everything. everything. It is powerful, beyond my imagination, how his Glory is manifesting itself in my soul. Truly he is All Good!
After my run on Monday, I felt like it was time to lay a few things down. I needed to learn to rest in Him, his goodness, grace and love. Little did I know that I would pick up a book (or order it on my iPad) that would change my life. It is called One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp.
God's timing is incredibly perfect. If I had picked up this book at any other time, I would have shirked it and said, "Uh, maybe later." But in this moment I was hungry. I needed something. Our life as a family is in desperate flux. We are shifting, changing, moving in a new direction. For this person who loves variety...it is still scary.
Ann's main thrust of the book is practicing "Eucharisteo"(and I'm afraid my definition might be way off, but I'll give it my best shot). Eucharisteo is the practice of giving thanks always. She challenged herself to write down 1000 reasons she has to be grateful. I can tell you, in doing that, as I've placed myself under the same goal, I am living wide open...my eyes, my heart, my mind. Here are a few of my entries:
Peace is the midst of uncertainty.
Fresh, warm clothes out of the dryer
An uninterrupted night of rest
Singing children
The smell of baking bread
Oh my goodness. When I go through a typical day with my mind focused on gratitude, even on little tiny things, it is indescribable how God works and moves in my heart to bring joy. This is what eucharisteo is, thanksgiving in grace producing joy. Incredible! So many things are making sense to me now.
On Tuesday, when I first started my Gratitude journal, I had to make a few phone calls, canceling services such as housecleaning and coaching. Within twenty minutes I received a call regarding a biopsy I just had done on my upper lip. What I was expecting to be nothing, turned into squamous cell carcinoma. Cancer? Me? I can honestly say I wasn't rattled in the least. Giving thanks in all things allows for trust in God beyond explanation. I am honestly walking fully trusting him not just in my diagnosis, but in all the life shifts we are enduring. I do not know where we'll be in a month or two, but I do know that I am held by the God of the Universe.
I have always been grateful, at least in my adult life. I have not taken God's blessings for granted. But now I can see Him in EVERYTHING. Everything. everything. It is powerful, beyond my imagination, how his Glory is manifesting itself in my soul. Truly he is All Good!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Be Still and Know
I have been reminded of the scripture in Psalms 46: "Be Still and Know that I am God". I am amazed by my ability to get stuck in my head, to throw away the surprise, mystery and adventure of life with my Savior and resort to thoughts of worry and self destruction. I am not perfect, nor do I claim to be. If you ever have a conversation with me you will know that I am quick to admit my failures (particularly in raising children). I am not under any assumption of perfection. However, when it comes to my relationship with God, I feel like I'm always failing. Whose voice is that? I am reminding myself of his great love. His remarkable sacrifice of his son. His incredible leading and calling and faithfulness. Why do I have some need to be "perfect" in my faith journey?
Maybe perfection lies not in my outward achievements, but in my inward seeking and searching for Him, for guidance, for help, for redemption in my failures and sin. I am humbled by his gentle Spirit, that once I come to him fully aware, fully open, he is so quick to assure and remind me of his desire for me. How wonderful is that?
I desire to crawl up into his lap. To have my Loving Father stroke my hair, speak truth of his love into my heart and soul, and to rest in his goodness, generosity and abundance.
Maybe perfection lies not in my outward achievements, but in my inward seeking and searching for Him, for guidance, for help, for redemption in my failures and sin. I am humbled by his gentle Spirit, that once I come to him fully aware, fully open, he is so quick to assure and remind me of his desire for me. How wonderful is that?
I desire to crawl up into his lap. To have my Loving Father stroke my hair, speak truth of his love into my heart and soul, and to rest in his goodness, generosity and abundance.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Safety
In my quest to live a more peace filled life, I find that everything seems against me. Don't get me wrong...on the outside I appear very controlled, but inside I'm always looking for something. Is that a product of my culture or just plain human wiring? I want drama, I want news, I want change, I want to spend money, I want food, I want goals, I want to decorate, I want...something. I know it's a space that only God can fill and I bring it to him constantly, but I can't help but wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle.
What if this emptiness is God given? What if that longing is him reaching out to me in the depths of my soul inviting me on an even bigger adventure? Maybe I am attributing the "emptiness" to the wrong things. I have been blaming myself all along for my inability to be content. Maybe I'm not called to content. Maybe the trick is figuring out what is driving the discontent.
I start each day surrendering, seeking and thanking God for his wonderful work and provision. I still think, though, that he is in a neat, tidy little box of my making. Maybe the longing in me is to be reckless...throw care and caution to the wind and step out in faith. I have so many voices that pull me back into "sensible" living...asking questions like, "What would that say to your children?" or "How do you explain that to your husband/friends/parents/siblings, etc?"
I don't want to go crazy...I do have a good head on my shoulders...usually. But I just can't help but wonder that maybe I've been living a little too safely.
What if this emptiness is God given? What if that longing is him reaching out to me in the depths of my soul inviting me on an even bigger adventure? Maybe I am attributing the "emptiness" to the wrong things. I have been blaming myself all along for my inability to be content. Maybe I'm not called to content. Maybe the trick is figuring out what is driving the discontent.
I start each day surrendering, seeking and thanking God for his wonderful work and provision. I still think, though, that he is in a neat, tidy little box of my making. Maybe the longing in me is to be reckless...throw care and caution to the wind and step out in faith. I have so many voices that pull me back into "sensible" living...asking questions like, "What would that say to your children?" or "How do you explain that to your husband/friends/parents/siblings, etc?"
I don't want to go crazy...I do have a good head on my shoulders...usually. But I just can't help but wonder that maybe I've been living a little too safely.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
New Year
I absolutely love the time between Christmas and New Year's. The crazy fun of anticipating and preparing for Christmas is over. My heart is generally light because I have witnessed the goodness of my family and humanity for the season; I have had opportunity to be generous and see God's hand at work over the course of a year. The week is a good transition point for me as I both reflect and look forward. What are my goals? dreams? desires? How do I want to partner in the work God is doing rather than inviting him to partner in my work? It kind of resets my mind and body.
I know it sounds so cliche..the whole idea of resolutions and goals. But it's true. There's nothing like a fresh start. After the indulgence of the holidays..spending, eating, revelry...I love starting over and cleaning out. I love refocusing my prayers...to wonder what adventure I might find myself in in the future.
There is a rub, however, and that is real life. How does one get excited about new things and seek God in the midst of it all, while still going about the mundanity of life. Kids still need to be fed, house needs to be cleaned, relationships stoked, budget maintained, workouts completed...all of this needs to happen and I love doing it, but how can it happen with a fresh outlook? Will the newness and excitement gradually fade with the days, weeks and months? When is something a vision to be maintained and when is the vision just my own need for change? How do I know a vision is truly from God?
As I seek Him this 2011 I pray he truly shows me who he is. I pray that his daily renewal will accompany me through this year...that I may look to Him as my source of all things. I'm not looking to be perfect, but I am looking to "....continue to work out my salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in me to will and to act according to his good purpose." (Philippians 2:13)
I want to seek Him in all things, to rest in HIm, to surrender to Him, to trust in his presence, his goodness, righteousness, grace and love. I want my heart to be filled by only Him, to test everything, knowing that he is the only best!
I know it sounds so cliche..the whole idea of resolutions and goals. But it's true. There's nothing like a fresh start. After the indulgence of the holidays..spending, eating, revelry...I love starting over and cleaning out. I love refocusing my prayers...to wonder what adventure I might find myself in in the future.
There is a rub, however, and that is real life. How does one get excited about new things and seek God in the midst of it all, while still going about the mundanity of life. Kids still need to be fed, house needs to be cleaned, relationships stoked, budget maintained, workouts completed...all of this needs to happen and I love doing it, but how can it happen with a fresh outlook? Will the newness and excitement gradually fade with the days, weeks and months? When is something a vision to be maintained and when is the vision just my own need for change? How do I know a vision is truly from God?
As I seek Him this 2011 I pray he truly shows me who he is. I pray that his daily renewal will accompany me through this year...that I may look to Him as my source of all things. I'm not looking to be perfect, but I am looking to "....continue to work out my salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in me to will and to act according to his good purpose." (Philippians 2:13)
I want to seek Him in all things, to rest in HIm, to surrender to Him, to trust in his presence, his goodness, righteousness, grace and love. I want my heart to be filled by only Him, to test everything, knowing that he is the only best!
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