I was struck yesterday with an interesting thought that I would like to share with you.
I was considering the conditions into which Jesus came into the world. The environment was hostile, dark, scary, oppressive. His manger was probably cold, stinky, prickly. However, Mary and Joseph's arms were warm, soft and inviting. The evening was filled with light, hope, rejoicing in the midst of the oppressive times.
I think about my heart...about Jesus making it his dwelling place. I don't have to clean up my act in order for him to live there and love me. Just because sometimes it's stinky, filled with my human longing and greed doesn't mean he passes me by. Sometimes my life is prickly and oppressive, maybe dark and even empty...yet he still dwells there. He loves me despite my broken condition. In my brokenness he is then able to come in and create a warm, inviting and soft place for not just him, but others...those he calls me to love despite their condition.
I want to welcome him into my life despite what I use to fill me. I want his redemption, hope and salvation. Thank God he came the way he did...humble. It reminds me of the heart he wants for his indwelling Spirit.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Doing Better
OK...well that last one was quite a post. I keep waffling about whether or not to delete it, but I keep talking myself out of it. I want to share what's really going on and if I am constantly censoring then I'm not truly being honest, am I?
Things on the home front are much better. I think it's finally good to get it out there that my kids aren't perfect, nor are they even close. It is truly a tender balance: figuring out how much and when to advocate for them, paired with allowing them to be human...with all the junk, too. The hard knocks in life are the teachable moments. As a mom, I want to prevent pain, so maybe it's best they experience the pain the world has to offer. It gets sticky, though, when I think about the poor choices that are really out there...the choices that can really mess with someone's life. But, some of the neatest, most interesting, and effective people I know are the ones who have been through a whole lot of crap.
I have a soapbox today. Why do Christians always have to come up with Christian organizations, literature, music and ways of doing things, when a perfectly great program is already going...but it just doesn't have a "Christian" label? I am getting weary of this need for Christians to completely separate and not truly see the amazing people and opportunities available to us. I know I can be guilty...as I'm sure we all can...I guess I'm just seeing it more and it is annoying to me.
I started training for another marathon. It is on May 1 in Fort Collins. A dear friend and I are training together. I love having her along. Plus she's always game for whatever wacky workout I have in store. It's awesome. I am still doing Pilates. Love it. I can really see and feel and difference. It will be fun to notice with this race compared to others in the past.
I have also begun triathlon training for next summer. I have a half ironman on the schedule, but unsure if I'm willing to put in the time and discipline....although, I do so much better personally when I have hefty goals. Once I start getting in the groove, I'm sure it will all come together.
I have very low expectations of myself physically right now with Christmas on the horizon. As Mom, it's my job to make the day special for the family (I do this willingly). So I am doing my best to keep myself even keeled and kind to others!
Things on the home front are much better. I think it's finally good to get it out there that my kids aren't perfect, nor are they even close. It is truly a tender balance: figuring out how much and when to advocate for them, paired with allowing them to be human...with all the junk, too. The hard knocks in life are the teachable moments. As a mom, I want to prevent pain, so maybe it's best they experience the pain the world has to offer. It gets sticky, though, when I think about the poor choices that are really out there...the choices that can really mess with someone's life. But, some of the neatest, most interesting, and effective people I know are the ones who have been through a whole lot of crap.
I have a soapbox today. Why do Christians always have to come up with Christian organizations, literature, music and ways of doing things, when a perfectly great program is already going...but it just doesn't have a "Christian" label? I am getting weary of this need for Christians to completely separate and not truly see the amazing people and opportunities available to us. I know I can be guilty...as I'm sure we all can...I guess I'm just seeing it more and it is annoying to me.
I started training for another marathon. It is on May 1 in Fort Collins. A dear friend and I are training together. I love having her along. Plus she's always game for whatever wacky workout I have in store. It's awesome. I am still doing Pilates. Love it. I can really see and feel and difference. It will be fun to notice with this race compared to others in the past.
I have also begun triathlon training for next summer. I have a half ironman on the schedule, but unsure if I'm willing to put in the time and discipline....although, I do so much better personally when I have hefty goals. Once I start getting in the groove, I'm sure it will all come together.
I have very low expectations of myself physically right now with Christmas on the horizon. As Mom, it's my job to make the day special for the family (I do this willingly). So I am doing my best to keep myself even keeled and kind to others!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Parenting really stinks sometimes
Does anyone else out there know what it's like to not really prefer your own children? This has been an interesting week where I have had the opportunity to see my eldest as he truly is. As our pastor says, "We all come with as-is tags". Well, I have witnessed the tags of my child.
He and his best buddy...think, connected at the hip for four years, even through a move....started fighting because of a girl this week. I don't want to be one of the parents that acts surprised, but I am...what in the hell are we fighting over girls for at 11? What's up with that? Although, if I'm truly honest with myself, I clearly remember jealousy over boys in the 5th grade. That's when it really started. So, they started bickering over email...sending one liners back and forth. And of course, we all know, don't we, that email is the worst place to try to resolve any conflict. Tones are inferred that may or may not be there...hence the infamous :) everywhere.
Me in my kind momminess decided that my child was incapable of hurting another and sided with him....even though I didn't want to admit it. Then last night I got word that he called his best friend, his buddy, an "effin piece of s***". Well, today I am pissed. He led me to believe through lies and innocent eyes that it wasn't his fault. That he was not to blame...then I get this information.
I can't be nice to him today. I am making him apologize, of course. I want to rub his nose in it...I want to be snarky and sarcastic. I want to cuss him out. Am I? Did I? No. Thankfully (or not) my husband is home to protect him. If I was a single mom...you can only imagine what my house would sound like right now.
I'm not ready to let him off the hook, but I'm also not sure when I'll ever feel it. So, maybe it's a choice. Maybe I just have to hope the lessons were learned, the tears were cried and the heart was changed. Maybe it's time to let go...let him do the rest of the work...trust in the friendship...and seek peace again. I need to because I have lost far too much sleep this week.
He and his best buddy...think, connected at the hip for four years, even through a move....started fighting because of a girl this week. I don't want to be one of the parents that acts surprised, but I am...what in the hell are we fighting over girls for at 11? What's up with that? Although, if I'm truly honest with myself, I clearly remember jealousy over boys in the 5th grade. That's when it really started. So, they started bickering over email...sending one liners back and forth. And of course, we all know, don't we, that email is the worst place to try to resolve any conflict. Tones are inferred that may or may not be there...hence the infamous :) everywhere.
Me in my kind momminess decided that my child was incapable of hurting another and sided with him....even though I didn't want to admit it. Then last night I got word that he called his best friend, his buddy, an "effin piece of s***". Well, today I am pissed. He led me to believe through lies and innocent eyes that it wasn't his fault. That he was not to blame...then I get this information.
I can't be nice to him today. I am making him apologize, of course. I want to rub his nose in it...I want to be snarky and sarcastic. I want to cuss him out. Am I? Did I? No. Thankfully (or not) my husband is home to protect him. If I was a single mom...you can only imagine what my house would sound like right now.
I'm not ready to let him off the hook, but I'm also not sure when I'll ever feel it. So, maybe it's a choice. Maybe I just have to hope the lessons were learned, the tears were cried and the heart was changed. Maybe it's time to let go...let him do the rest of the work...trust in the friendship...and seek peace again. I need to because I have lost far too much sleep this week.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I Quit My Bible Study
I have attended the same Bible Study group now for the past 5 years. I loved the intensity of digging into Scripture, coming up with new and applicable insights then applying this new truth to my life. Last year I started...we were studying John...and I couldn't keep going. With the IM training, I knew that Wednesday morning would need to be a training day. So I quit with the intention and belief that I would return the following year. In September, I firmly believed I needed to study Isaiah. I was quickly made uncomfortable (not ever having studied Isaiah in the past) by the judgement, condemnation and wrath on God's part. I couldn't/can't figure out how to reconcile this loving, gracious God with his wrath and revenge. I am secure enough in my faith to know that it is okay to question these things without fear.
I managed to stick it out for about two months and quit yesterday. During my time there was much comparison of the judgment on Israel, because of their waywardness, to the waywardness of modern day society. My issue is that we cannot make these extrapolations to modern day America. Americans are not God's chosen people. I heard a lot about how we were founded as a nation on God's principles and we've strayed from what our founding fathers intended (read God) for us. Therefore, we can look at the moral failings of our nation and expect God's wrath upon us, if it isn't already here. What a load of crap!! In my opinion, if anyone needs to fear, it's the Church. The Church/Christians are God's New Israel. If as Christians we would point the finger at ourselves rather than others...wouldn't the Church looks a whole lot different? My point is, when discussing God's judgement and wrath equal parts (if not more) need to be devoted to his grace and mercy because of what Jesus did on the cross for us.
Today, after quitting, I'm unsure if I did the right thing. Part of me is feeling a great sense of relief!!! However, I'm wondering...should I have just stuck it out, dealt with it? I feel poisonous. Every person I talk to about this I can't help but get riled up. Frankly, I'm plain angry. I am angered by the the amount of legalism that crops back up in me. I am angered by the fact that freedom in Christ is not spoken (well, maybe it was, I just missed the month of November). If we are making correlations from the judgement of God on Israel to modern day America, shouldn't we have some discussion of the amazing grace of God and mercy shown through Jesus?
I've been reading Galations. It's fascinating where Paul takes on the church in Galatia asking them who is causing them to turn back to the Law and to the old feasts and celebrations. He becomes livid about the situation and wants these false teachers to go and emasculate themselves. Yikes. Sometimes, I feel really out of place in my faith as a believer in Jesus Christ. I think the Church, as a whole, has lost its ability to be relevant because we want so badly to hang onto our rules. Somehow these make us right, instead of the love and grace of God through Jesus Christ.
I am in a place now of desiring Freedom. What does it truly look like to be Free in Christ? What would it look like if Christ followers shed the rules of religion and focused on two things: Loving God and Loving Others. What would our world look like?
I managed to stick it out for about two months and quit yesterday. During my time there was much comparison of the judgment on Israel, because of their waywardness, to the waywardness of modern day society. My issue is that we cannot make these extrapolations to modern day America. Americans are not God's chosen people. I heard a lot about how we were founded as a nation on God's principles and we've strayed from what our founding fathers intended (read God) for us. Therefore, we can look at the moral failings of our nation and expect God's wrath upon us, if it isn't already here. What a load of crap!! In my opinion, if anyone needs to fear, it's the Church. The Church/Christians are God's New Israel. If as Christians we would point the finger at ourselves rather than others...wouldn't the Church looks a whole lot different? My point is, when discussing God's judgement and wrath equal parts (if not more) need to be devoted to his grace and mercy because of what Jesus did on the cross for us.
Today, after quitting, I'm unsure if I did the right thing. Part of me is feeling a great sense of relief!!! However, I'm wondering...should I have just stuck it out, dealt with it? I feel poisonous. Every person I talk to about this I can't help but get riled up. Frankly, I'm plain angry. I am angered by the the amount of legalism that crops back up in me. I am angered by the fact that freedom in Christ is not spoken (well, maybe it was, I just missed the month of November). If we are making correlations from the judgement of God on Israel to modern day America, shouldn't we have some discussion of the amazing grace of God and mercy shown through Jesus?
I've been reading Galations. It's fascinating where Paul takes on the church in Galatia asking them who is causing them to turn back to the Law and to the old feasts and celebrations. He becomes livid about the situation and wants these false teachers to go and emasculate themselves. Yikes. Sometimes, I feel really out of place in my faith as a believer in Jesus Christ. I think the Church, as a whole, has lost its ability to be relevant because we want so badly to hang onto our rules. Somehow these make us right, instead of the love and grace of God through Jesus Christ.
I am in a place now of desiring Freedom. What does it truly look like to be Free in Christ? What would it look like if Christ followers shed the rules of religion and focused on two things: Loving God and Loving Others. What would our world look like?
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A Life of Peace
I have kept a blog called "Puzzled" for about a year now to chronicle my Ironman Training and experience. To start blogging about my Christ centered walk and journey in that space seemed a bit inappropriate and possibly manipulative to those interested in reading about my athletic endeavors. I know they go hand in hand, for me, and I will bring my training (if I ever start up again) into this blog. However, I want to talk more specifically about my faith journey.
Each morning I awake early and get my coffee ready. I arise before the house does (except the puppy, Theo). He and I settle in on the end of the couch together, with my hot beverage, a pillow over my lap and possibly a blanket. I tuck my feet in a criss-cross-applesauce position and start with "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. I've been reading the same devotional since I was 18 (20 years), with some years not really accounted for, but I've always returned. I try to get something out of it and reflect. Next I journal on daily happenings, new scripture or ways in which God is working. Often, it's just a clearinghouse for my random thoughts that come with waking up and starting a new day...the day's schedule, the chores that need to happen, things I want to accomplish...whatever. Next I do my Bible Study. Right now I'm studying Isaiah, so I will read and answer the questions, trying to make sense at the early hour. Finally, I get my other notebook and start writing my prayers. I've been doing this for many years and when I die, there will be much insight into the inner workings of my mind and heart, but until then, God and I are the only ones who know what goes on in there.
Today as I was moving through my prayer (I follow the ACTS model: Adoration/Praise, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Supplication/Requests) I became stumped. I couldn't think of anything to confess...fine, no biggie, there's always something to cover as I blow it most days. My thanksgiving seemed rote and polished. The last thing I want to be is "polite" before God. I am learning that he is big enough...his shoulders are wide enough to handle my honesty. Today it seemed that I was "going through the motions" or just submitting to the habit. So, I put my notebook down (difficult for this rule follower), stared at the fire, then closed my eyes.
The next thing that happened...and why I'm starting this blog...was wonderful. I snuggled up under my cozy blanket, laid the pillow on the couch and laid down (on Theo...aren't dogs like God in a sense?). I imagined myself cradled on the lap of God...my Abba...my Daddy. I imagined him looking at me, playing with my hair, like I do with my children. I imagined being in the perfect safe place, where I knew that none of the cares or concerns of the world could shake me. I was safe, I was loved. I imagined him looking at me with awe at my beauty, desiring the feel of my weight on his lap.
So often, I think of all the things I need to do. I am grateful for my blessings, then move right into what I need to do with them. Today, my sense was, "Just Rest". Stop doing. Just "be". Know you are loved, you are desired, you are beautiful. I am awed by my creation.
What more can I need?
Each morning I awake early and get my coffee ready. I arise before the house does (except the puppy, Theo). He and I settle in on the end of the couch together, with my hot beverage, a pillow over my lap and possibly a blanket. I tuck my feet in a criss-cross-applesauce position and start with "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. I've been reading the same devotional since I was 18 (20 years), with some years not really accounted for, but I've always returned. I try to get something out of it and reflect. Next I journal on daily happenings, new scripture or ways in which God is working. Often, it's just a clearinghouse for my random thoughts that come with waking up and starting a new day...the day's schedule, the chores that need to happen, things I want to accomplish...whatever. Next I do my Bible Study. Right now I'm studying Isaiah, so I will read and answer the questions, trying to make sense at the early hour. Finally, I get my other notebook and start writing my prayers. I've been doing this for many years and when I die, there will be much insight into the inner workings of my mind and heart, but until then, God and I are the only ones who know what goes on in there.
Today as I was moving through my prayer (I follow the ACTS model: Adoration/Praise, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Supplication/Requests) I became stumped. I couldn't think of anything to confess...fine, no biggie, there's always something to cover as I blow it most days. My thanksgiving seemed rote and polished. The last thing I want to be is "polite" before God. I am learning that he is big enough...his shoulders are wide enough to handle my honesty. Today it seemed that I was "going through the motions" or just submitting to the habit. So, I put my notebook down (difficult for this rule follower), stared at the fire, then closed my eyes.
The next thing that happened...and why I'm starting this blog...was wonderful. I snuggled up under my cozy blanket, laid the pillow on the couch and laid down (on Theo...aren't dogs like God in a sense?). I imagined myself cradled on the lap of God...my Abba...my Daddy. I imagined him looking at me, playing with my hair, like I do with my children. I imagined being in the perfect safe place, where I knew that none of the cares or concerns of the world could shake me. I was safe, I was loved. I imagined him looking at me with awe at my beauty, desiring the feel of my weight on his lap.
So often, I think of all the things I need to do. I am grateful for my blessings, then move right into what I need to do with them. Today, my sense was, "Just Rest". Stop doing. Just "be". Know you are loved, you are desired, you are beautiful. I am awed by my creation.
What more can I need?
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