I have kept a blog called "Puzzled" for about a year now to chronicle my Ironman Training and experience. To start blogging about my Christ centered walk and journey in that space seemed a bit inappropriate and possibly manipulative to those interested in reading about my athletic endeavors. I know they go hand in hand, for me, and I will bring my training (if I ever start up again) into this blog. However, I want to talk more specifically about my faith journey.
Each morning I awake early and get my coffee ready. I arise before the house does (except the puppy, Theo). He and I settle in on the end of the couch together, with my hot beverage, a pillow over my lap and possibly a blanket. I tuck my feet in a criss-cross-applesauce position and start with "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. I've been reading the same devotional since I was 18 (20 years), with some years not really accounted for, but I've always returned. I try to get something out of it and reflect. Next I journal on daily happenings, new scripture or ways in which God is working. Often, it's just a clearinghouse for my random thoughts that come with waking up and starting a new day...the day's schedule, the chores that need to happen, things I want to accomplish...whatever. Next I do my Bible Study. Right now I'm studying Isaiah, so I will read and answer the questions, trying to make sense at the early hour. Finally, I get my other notebook and start writing my prayers. I've been doing this for many years and when I die, there will be much insight into the inner workings of my mind and heart, but until then, God and I are the only ones who know what goes on in there.
Today as I was moving through my prayer (I follow the ACTS model: Adoration/Praise, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Supplication/Requests) I became stumped. I couldn't think of anything to confess...fine, no biggie, there's always something to cover as I blow it most days. My thanksgiving seemed rote and polished. The last thing I want to be is "polite" before God. I am learning that he is big enough...his shoulders are wide enough to handle my honesty. Today it seemed that I was "going through the motions" or just submitting to the habit. So, I put my notebook down (difficult for this rule follower), stared at the fire, then closed my eyes.
The next thing that happened...and why I'm starting this blog...was wonderful. I snuggled up under my cozy blanket, laid the pillow on the couch and laid down (on Theo...aren't dogs like God in a sense?). I imagined myself cradled on the lap of God...my Abba...my Daddy. I imagined him looking at me, playing with my hair, like I do with my children. I imagined being in the perfect safe place, where I knew that none of the cares or concerns of the world could shake me. I was safe, I was loved. I imagined him looking at me with awe at my beauty, desiring the feel of my weight on his lap.
So often, I think of all the things I need to do. I am grateful for my blessings, then move right into what I need to do with them. Today, my sense was, "Just Rest". Stop doing. Just "be". Know you are loved, you are desired, you are beautiful. I am awed by my creation.
What more can I need?
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